Indie Author Ring

Monday, 2 March 2015

   "Round two," Hal whispered with a hint of amusement. 
   Sean was already standing before them holding a notepad and waiting patiently for Phil to order.
   "I had a notepad like that when I was a boy," Phil observed.  "I used to log my wet dreams in it.  Are you a logger, Sean?"
   "A logger?"
   "Someone who logs things.  Come to think of it are you a wet dreamer?"
   "What do you want to order?" Sean replied with indifference.
   "A log.  A Yuletide Log.  I'm feeling festive."
   "Actually we can do that for you," Sean smiled sardonically.  "One Yuletide Log," he added as he pressed the pen nib deep into the pad.
   "Excellent!" Phil exclaimed.  "One Yuletide Log and chips," he said as Hal buried his face in his hands and took a carefully controlled breath.
   "Right, one Yuletide Log and chips it is," Sean answered irritably as he scribbled it down.  The pen nib pierced the paper.  "Anything else?"
   "Tomato sauce on the Yuletide Log," Hal whispered unexpectedly through his fingers as he exhaled a restrained chuckle into his palms.
   Both Phil and Sean looked over at Hal with surprise.  Sean was disgusted; Phil was ecstatic.
   "And a side order of chips to make up for the fact that your portions are too small," Phil added, this time whilst looking at Hal with anticipation.
   "Of course," Sean replied as his breathing quickened through gritted teeth and partially pursed lips.
   "Not French fries," Phil continued.  "I want chips that look as though they've just eaten a plate of chips.  I don't want those skinny scrawny things that resemble toasted toothpaste."
   "Oh I assure you our chips are cut from the finest potatoes..." Sean began.
   "Then show me."
   "Excuse me?"
   "My friend and I wish to test the validity of your claim. Go and fetch one of the potatoes and bring it here."
   "And bring a portion of chips with you," Hal added.  His eyes were now streaming with tears.
   "And a side order of chips because your portions are too small," Phil demanded.  "And don't forget the tomato sauce on that Yuletide Log.  Be quick about it and don't spare the cook!" Phil concluded with a wave of his hand.
   "Of course, sir," Sean replied as he slipped his notepad into his pocket.  "Perhaps sir would also like a portion of bruises about the face with that?"
   "That's tempting," Phil mused.  "How are you for bruises about the face, Hal?"
   Hal was unable to answer.
   "I'll tell you what, I'll take two kicks up the arse, a bloody nose and a bombardment of expletives."
   "And one portion of chips," Hal ordered.
   "And a side order of chips because your portions are too small," Phil added.
   "Of course, sir, I'll see to your order immediately.  Now go and fuck yourself!" Sean growled before storming away from the table...

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